TikTok running on an iPhone. China’s flag is displayed behind it. Photo by Solen Feyissa on Unsplash
Transcription below
After Tiktok. By Nemo Siqueiros
My only regret is not getting on this app sooner. I feel like my life has both changed and come full circle. Funnily enough, I believed the propaganda that there was chinese security issues with tiktok and a silly tiktok from user ghosthoney on here pulled me in, all in the midst of the early days of the pandemic that continues as of the date of this recording.
From the moment the algorithm learned about me, I didn’t realize how little I actually knew about my clinically and officially diagnosed autism, the fact that it affirmed what I researched in my high school which was that it was highly heritable through genetics. How much it changed my relationship with my mom, who has been undiagnosed autistic and adhd all her life, and how much it has improved our relationship with one other, because we would get frustrated with each other when I treated her as neurotypical, and she would assume that some of my behaviors were attributed to laziness and not my disability and so my contributions or productivity would vary from day to day.
The AuDHD & disabled communities steadily pulled me out of this self-hatred that I hadn’t realized was instilled in me, the Mexican tiktok community helped me reconnect with my culture in a way I hadn’t had access to before and finding the fitness & food community is just so radically different than what I had grown up with in regards to the fatphobia and ableism I had experienced within my family and in school with gym glasses. I began exercising and stopped restricting the food in my diet and because of that, I unintentionally lost some weight but I’m happier and stronger because I don’t feel the need to “cheat” on any “diet” because I’m not dieting, I’m just eating whatever I like and crave, and adding more of what had apparently been lacking, which is big for me as an autistic person who had difficulty exercising or eating things I liked. If you know, you know how difficult it is, to consistently make food that’s interesting or consistent in terms of flavor and texture for an autistic person. Or to find movement that doesn’t further injure or harm us especially when you, on top of finding out that you’re autistic/adhd if you did not know before this tiktok era, that we have multiple medical conditions that our doctors refuse to look into.
This app also connected me to fellow dog owners during the pandemic, and I got to see free resources, and tips and more compassionate ways to have a relationship with my dog that was beneficial for both of us and I came away with incredible information about the autonomy of animals that changes the way I will ever interact with all living things for the better.
As I processed the emotions, the tearful goodbyes, parting words, likes and comments becoming disabled, and then scrolling, and then being unable to scroll,…some people I see are still in denial about the fate of Tiktok, and my opinion is that, for all intents and purposes, Tiktok is dead. If the app is not shut down, it will be because it is sold, likely to Zuckerberg or Musk is what I theorize as of this recording, and I also imagine either one of them will make it to be catered to conservatives in the way that meta apps and twitter already are, and/or run the app into the ground. Either way, it’s dead to me in much the way Tumblr sort of died for me when I moved to twitter, and the way twitter has died since the recent re-election of Trump. For me, it doesn’t make a difference if Tiktok comes back because I suspect that there will be some changes that we cannot otherwise see, in a way that would suggest that it is essentially state sponsored social media or something makes it so that it pleases our “lord and savior Donald Trump” and outside of this recording, I would never seriously utter such a sentence. I’m not going to thank the person who burned my house down and then decided to call 911 and expect a thanks of gratitude…and if I go to Meta, they’ve made it okay to call my queer identity mentally ill…and as much as I would like to joke about my mental illness, I think we can agree it’s not the joking kind of mental ill but the kind of violent rhetoric that has, currently, and will continue to harm LGBTQ+ members of the community in the future. And if I go to twitter…well we already know what happens there. So…
Where do I go from here?
Well, because of the hate I’ll inevitably get from Meta or Twitter, I already deleted some of my older twitter accounts and I haven’t really missed it since being on bluesky, which makes things tolerable while we’ve been psychologically tortured up to this end point about whether or not Tiktok will be banned…but I don’t think it will be the same place if it comes back. Since I’ve witnessed this game of chicken, I’ve decided I don’t want to have to sit and be tortured because it turns out, a door opened and what was on the other side…was what brought everything full circle.
On this new app, XiaoHongShu, I, like many others, realized how deeply ingrained the xenophobic and anti-Chinese rhetoric was embedded in our psyches as Americans. You’ve likely heard about the cheaper groceries, costs of living, property taxes and credit scores being non-existent, and of course the advanced technology. The algorithm I find is extremely similar to Tiktok, and while people can cry to me about lgbtq censorship, political censorship etc, I honestly don’t give a damn. I could raise a mirror to the US with similar if not worse problems. My identity in this country is just as censored as it would be over there and they’re probably going to take away marriage equality before I’ve even had the chance to even find someone to marry. But I think with some of the healing work a lot of us did on Tiktok, it reminded me that queer people exist everywhere. So I found queer people, with their own self-censorship codes, just like there are likely still queer people on twitter, however few there may be. Just because we’re hiding, doesn’t mean we don’t exist. And because I looked for them, I found them almost immediately. Then I rebuilt my disabled and neurodivergent community, and my Mexican community, and my fitness communities. Even the Covid Competent community. Easy enough, and that comes with a bonus of what I hope will be long lasting relationships and friendships with the Chinese people. It makes this world a whole lot less lonely.
In the meantime, I’ll be phasing out my presence from all Meta platforms, and you can stay updated on the kpppfm website at kpppfm.com/finding-me, and people can email me at nemo@kpppfm.com about my content or commission.siqueiros@gmail.com for commissioning art from me. My bluesky, XiaoHongShu aka rednote on the app store, and youtube accounts are @siqueiroscribbl.
If you or anyone else decides you’re not coming to XiaoHongShu, that’s fine, you do you. I just personally don’t care for the bs excuses of the US government claims about security issues about our private data because I interpret it as an issue of control of the American people, how they’re informed and what actions we’re allowed to take. And with that, what will I do? Well, I have the privilege of being on the radio and will take full advantage of informing you of everything that goes on here, along with all the volunteers still running this little station here in the upper midwest… so, if you’d like to share what Tiktok has done for you, feel free to let us know by leaving a 3 minute message at 701-566-0917 or email me at nemo@kpppfm.com.